I wish to say that I am trying to listen my minds, but truth is different. I am trying not to think and keeping myself too busy to do so. Or I am creating some vacuum in my head when someone is pushing me to think too much. Sometimes I’m just listening music and letting myself slowly drown into lyrics and melody.
I feel that inside me something strange is going on. Some kind of breakdown coming soon and I can hear invisible clock ticking louder and louder. I breath deeply to calm down and… carry on.
I have no time, no energy to try to understand why thoughts are burning my soul. I have stuff to do. I feel scared of missing deadlines to decide about my future… I want to make a plan or strategy, but there are to many variables, so I feel powerless. And I hate this. I need to be in control of my life. I’m missing a feeling of having wheel of my life in my hands.
Why do I feel like this?
It’s autumn. I hate this season so much. It reminds me wet feet, running nose, gaining weight, dark evenings and the most important- my yearly autumn depression. I love my live, but when darkness comes faster and brown change green, my love for life dies out for unfixed period of time. The wave of sadness runs down on me an kicks me with the biggest pleasure.
It takes some time…I know that. It is not the first time… and I guess not the last.
I am a person who is experiencing life to maximum. If I am happy- I am sure, everyone around me knows about it. I love to hyperbolize emotions. My downs are very low, my ups are very high. And autumns is the time for reaching the lowest…
I know, how to handle it. First, try don’t give a fuck about it, because as depression comes silently, it will leave me in same way too…The most important to keep myself busy …and smile. Pretend that everything is ok, until it becomes reality or I will act so good that I will manage to trick myself to believe that.
I know myself. I know my sadness. I experienced that since I was teenager and I am aware of my depression coming in baby steps towards me….but I am ready for it.
Every autumn, even I am terribly pessimistic, I am creating great strategies for next year to experience awesome things in this life. So, we could say, that in the end of the day, my sadness inspires me for great challenges and adventures in future.
I am ready. Dark evenings, wet eyes and sad songs…