“I was in the winter of my life…” L.D.R
Last year I experienced the state of confusion where I was not sure what I am doing. These thoughts made me so anxious. I was trying to understand why do I feel like a total mess. Feeling confused and ensure. I was lost in my own personal thoughts.
This feeling of confusion was created in my mind because of conflicting ideas. I was not sure about my next step. There existed so many doubts about my actions. Self-confidence, that my life is in my hands, was lost somewhere. I even didn’t notice how did it happen. I started to feel, like my actions lost sense and meaning, and I am just acting some different roles that I have chosen unconsciously.
“I was always an unusual girl,
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul.
No morall compass positioning due north, no fixed personality.
Just an inner indecisiveness
That was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.” L.D.R
Of course, I have many roles, many personalities. Some people are telling me that I am dishonest. But I am never hiding that in different conditions, I can act as different person. I’m swinging between being very serious, busy and being very sociable and having fun to the edge (or ground…). It’s really hard to balance all archetypes I have in myself and let all of them to breath and to co-exist with each other…Sometimes I feel confused, who I am. But I am all of them. No fixed personality, but the thing that connects them is a truly passion to experience this world. Maybe in different ways, but always truly live as much as possible.
“Who had nothing, who wanted everything
With a fire for every experience
And an obsession for freedom
That terrified me to the point I couldn’t even talk about –
And pushed me to a nomatic point
Of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.” L.D.R
But last year I started to feel, that I can not control myself. I was not choosing my roles accordingly. I got crazy stupid sometimes. Like snowball rolling from the hill. I was not able to stop myself. It’s too dangerous, too risky. I was not calculating “what if…” anymore without any reason. I was afraid to think and to admit, something is going wrong in my life. I lost my road. Somewhere I made wrong turn and drove straight for long time even I felt that my thoughts are shouting to stop. But I tried to ignore them. Because I don’t like admit I am wrong.
And I still can not admit I regret something. That would be wrong. I know, that in this life mistakes don’t exits- there are just lessons. But it takes strength even to admit that it’s a lesson and I have to learn from it.
“Being trying hard not to get into trouble, but I’ve got a war in my mind. So, I just ride, I just ride, I just ride, I just ride” L.D.R
Now, I have to remind myself that confusion is an illusion. I always know what I really want to do. Just it’s hided somewhere deeply. More I am thinking, harder it is to understand. The chaos of my thoughts makes me not to be able hear what I deep-down know.
I believe, I have to start to do things that make me feel alive. I need to hit the road. I need to ride. But before it, I have plenty of things to do. How to survive until I will be able to experience road? I have to remind myself that everything that happens makes sense. Everything I am going through has purpose. Life is offering me lessons and I have to take them as opportunity to grow through it.
I wish for myself, for 2015 to go back to the road and find answers I am searching for. And… find balance in my life.