choices

I never thought I will fall in love. I couldn’t  even imagine that one day I will finally believe in the existence of love and that it’s not just some fake hallucination I heard about  from books and movies. After sometime, I thought it’s impossible to stop loving. And that  love can come in life in different forms and shapes. Later and most important I had no clue how bad and painful is to suffer from love.

I never had example of romantic love in my family. Remember, that kind of love, the pure one we all dream of.  When you love someone strongly and unconditionally? Not in my family. It was more about conditions, accidents, attachments, pressure …  and you just supposed to keep going and being with someone.kiskis

In my life father’s role was always empty. I never had father who could be great example of man. I learnt that God created man to make woman to suffer. Never trust. Never love. Don’t get emotional. Be strong. Be alone.

I believed that so strong, that I was not able to let anyone to come closer to me. I was keeping a distance. And also I wanted to punish all man kind. Just to seduce and leave. Just to trick them and run away.

But then… I met a boy who taught me that I was wrong. It was the first time in my life when someone was honestly taking care of me. Loving me unconditionally and passionately. I did also back the same… but just for some time.

I believe in this world exist people who are supposed to be alone. Because they are afraid of getting attached to someone to much, they fear to be hurt. “Leave before being left”. My situation is opposite. I am afraid of breaking other people hearts. I am one of these type of people who are addicted to excitement of the life, they need passion, they need games, some dramas. They want to have emotions which make person so alive, that it can even kill him. To feel like you are walking on the edge.

People are telling me that passion never stays forever. Love without passion is the reality and  finally every couple has to face it. But with time love becomes deeper, stronger, full of respect and attachment. It’s wonderful. But I am not sure if it’s for me. I need fire in my life. I know, I have a lot of it in me and I am sharing it, but… I just can be with somebody and loyal if person can spark me. If it’s impossible, I am choosing to be alone. Even after tasting the love, it’s such a temptation to have again someone who can take care of me and make me to feel being loved. But it’s not fair. Because… I am happy only on the run.

Yes, I am young. I am naive. I will learn more. But today, I am not feeling like I can be fixed. I am too much broken. So, I am choosing to be alone.

p.s….but I heard that love is not a choice… will see.

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