Searching…

In this life we‘re always searching for something.  It can be an answer to a question, which bothers us everyday. It can be happiness, harmony or comfort, if we feel a lack of it in our reality. It can be somebody or searching for ways how to be with nobody.

I know,  I love exploring a lot. So many things. Wondering from place to place, from ups to downs, downs to ups, swinging between drama and comedy.  Searching for new stories. Creating or listening them.  And also, unconsciously,  I am still searching for something to love in every person.

I was confused about how emotional and easy to attach to people I became in last two years. How fast I can be open with strangers. How deeply  I value even short friendships. I guess, I understood why. Two years ago, first time in my life, I felt in love. This feeling broke so many fears and made me to be open for people. To love them, to be able to show emotions, to hug and kiss them.

This feeling fulfilled me and put me to another chapter of my life. Although, it took time to understand that love can be in so many shapes. One form doesn‘t exist. It can be a passion or a friendship, loving yourself or experiencing  sisterhood and brotherhood.  Also, these kind of moments, when you loose your breath, after seeing something amazing, or after great concert… Even one night stand or kissing a stranger, has it‘s own shade of love.

Of course, love has it‘s own dark side. It can finish. It can be not answered. And because love is such a strong feeling, unhappy consequences can be devastating.  But suffer passes. Just it takes time and feeling supported by other people can help a lot.  To heal scarfs can take a lot of time. To lose someone who was your soul-mate or not to be able to stay with someone  who helped you so much… Not to love enough or  to understand too late that you in love with someone…

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Outcomes of these stories are very hurting. But they pass. They do. But at that moment you feel like you will suffer like this for all your life. And it‘s freaking scary.  But also, it‘s a perfect moment to stop and think. To try to understand about yourself. Not knowing how to create relationship with yourself, makes it so hard and complicated to create connection with others.

It takes so much strength  to stand up and carry on. To appreciate „what happened, it happened“ as a lesson. And to start to wonder again. For love, for friendship, for loving yourself more…  And you have to. Because, those who are not searching, will not be able to find. Love in different shapes can help you to move on. And anyway, what can be greater in this life than love?

92 Caucasian days

This morning  I felt like I am seeing a ghost from the past. I was sitting in Kutaisi airport, waiting for boarding and I looked through the window. I saw two girls, coming from plane and running towards me. And when…  it disappeared.

92 days ago, I came (again) to Georgia with my friend.  92 days after it, I am sitting alone in airport and remembering how much I was afraid to come back to Georgia. I didn’t have a clue, what can happen. But I came back. Because, pizdiec, ja dura. Also it was time to answer many questions about myself.

Half of the time in Georgia I was suffering from doubts, disappointments and experiencing one of the biggest crisis in my life. I was feeling so lonely.

But.

People I met  became my biggest support from the first day they entered to my life. They didn’t know me and even I was acting as psychopath,  they still were patient to listen me and to give me a strength to carry on.

I spent with these people just two months, but… I will always appreciate, how much they helped  me just with their existence next to me.

Finally I feel, that it was worth to come back to Georgia. I answered questions I had. I became stronger and more independent. I started finally to hear what I really want. And last but not the least, I met wonderful people and I feel terrible leaving them and knowing that I will not be a part of their Georgian story anymore.

But, Justina is always leaving.

Whatever. Anyway.11168037_10200452794720417_4526428763839144017_n

I am happy and I have a lot of courage for next chapter in my life.  And it’s just because of YOU!

Madloba! Děkuji! Dziękuję ! Aitäh! Ačiū!

Love stories. Happily never after.

Loves stories are not boring. Usually they seem like very similar and lame… But I think it’s not true.  Every story has something special in it. Just be ready to listen them. And sad true is, that most of them don’t have “happily ever after”.

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I heard a story about a girl who managed to have feelings for two persons. She was confused and afraid. She knew it’s not good, but passion made her to follow emotions. She was so naive to try to have both of persons, that finally she screwed everything.

I heard a story about a boy who was crazy in love with another person. His heart was broken, he was writing “unread letters” and love sayings around a city. While listening him reading his “letters”, I felt how deep and unconditional love he had.

I heard a story about a girl who was seeking for love too much… It was making her life meaningful,  it was EVERYTHING for her, she needed to be in love, she was not able to be alone. Every person who was with her, sooner or later  was starting to feel this huge pressure on themselves. So, they always were leaving her… and it was devastating for this person every time, till she was finding new love…for some time.

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I heard a story about a boy who was with his love for many years. They grew up together, they experienced hundred of wonderful moments, they became so close. However, he didn’t notice when and how his love became not just a habit, but also a thing that makes his life so difficult. He wanted to leave, but he was not able. So, he had to continue, until he met another person, who encouraged him to stop unhealthy relationship… but it was not easy and even dangerous.

I heard a story about a boy who was so stupid to recognize his feelings. He needed to leave this person, with whom he spent so much time together. He needed to disappear from that person’s life… Still, he couldn’t escape from thoughts he was having everyday in his head since he left. He needed to come back to understand, why he can’t get that person out of his minds. He  found an answer- he was in love… just was not able to admit it.

I heard a story of a girl who was in love and was feeling loved. The problem is- she never wanted to be in relationship. She never planned it. She was “lonely wolf”, but somehow relationship happened. She met wonderful person. They developed their love to very deep feelings, but she was always having problem to appreciate it. How you can appreciate something you never asked for? She always had doubts, that maybe, alone she can be happier and make better life for herself. She was questioning so much “If love is enough for relationship”, that finally she had to run away. No one understood it. She and her love looked like the best couple in the world, but there were always deeper things…She left to understand if she wants relationship and why she feels so insecure about having it.

I heard a story about a girl who was left. She did so much for that person, she had to overcome so many inside barriers to choose to be a second person, a lover. She always knew, she will be left, but still was following all rules and doing everything she can for a person she wanted to be with. She did it, because of love. Despite the fact, that person loved someone else. She was left. Forgotten. Heart broken.

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People very often define their lives by their disappointments. Emotions, heartbreaks, scarfs and “shits they overcame”. All these things we feel terribly deep. Every person lose a little bit of themselves in each “not happily ever after” love story and tell themselves “Never again”.

The pain you feel …you feel with every centimeter of your skin. In every breath you make. In every thought you have. So you’re starting to hide emotions and drowning in apathy. Until time starts to heal it… And somehow you’re again believing in bright future. But… every person have to accept, that he/she will probably get hurt a few more times.

Feelings are OK. To experience something wonderful you have to suffer. To have ups, you have to experience downs.

We feel, so we are alive.

“Pain is inevitable, but so is happiness.” 

Tabula rasa

I wish to believe in new beginning, new white, clean page for starting everything again. New exchange semester, new people, new home. But… the thing is, I don’t believe in it. Maybe when we born we were Tabula Rasa, but since that day so many things changed. All people we met, all things we experienced left a mark in us. They all wrote down a word, a sentence or even a paragraph in our book of the life. All experiences and perceptions we get in our lives, make us who we are. And we can’t escape from it. All these things let us to grow up, but also sometimes leave so many scarfs and fears for similar experiences.

We never will be able to see this world in same eyes as we were kids. Purple glasses and naive look was lost many years ago. Now the only thing we can do, is to learn how to accept all experiences we got and to look to positive side of it. To  discover lessons behind every experience we got. Life is beautiful. Just sometimes it’s to hard to understand it.

It happened that I am living with very different people. Each of them has different story. To manage to live with them it’s crucial to be very tolerant and patient. It’s easier if it’s possible to be aware of different backgrounds each of them has. We all are caring on our shoulders our stories. Not everyone is ready to share it, but … it helps to be understood.

Sometimes it looks, that differences are huge. Even drives me crazy. However, it’s always possible to find some similarities which help to appreciate another person. Differences make us unique and special. And also it can be source of new knowledge for each other. Just it’s important to be willing to learn from another person.

I think it’s important to get an opportunity to hear someone tell you her/his life story first hand. You can learn a lot, understand the person better and build a strong relationship at the same time. I believe, that every person has an important story to tell. While listening to people’s stories, I can get a fuller picture of what people’s lives are like–their feelings, their nuances, and the richness of their lives. It helps me to learn about the world from its many people.

Different people, different stories. We can’t start creating ourselves just for this environment. We are, as we are. And doesn’t matter, how much I would wish to be able to hide my story, it’s impossible.

New beginning doesn’t exist anymore. We are not Tabula Rasa. We are full of marks left by other people and maybe even now we will leave one of them in each others life’s book. As a memory, a feeling or a lesson.

choices

I never thought I will fall in love. I couldn’t  even imagine that one day I will finally believe in the existence of love and that it’s not just some fake hallucination I heard about  from books and movies. After sometime, I thought it’s impossible to stop loving. And that  love can come in life in different forms and shapes. Later and most important I had no clue how bad and painful is to suffer from love.

I never had example of romantic love in my family. Remember, that kind of love, the pure one we all dream of.  When you love someone strongly and unconditionally? Not in my family. It was more about conditions, accidents, attachments, pressure …  and you just supposed to keep going and being with someone.kiskis

In my life father’s role was always empty. I never had father who could be great example of man. I learnt that God created man to make woman to suffer. Never trust. Never love. Don’t get emotional. Be strong. Be alone.

I believed that so strong, that I was not able to let anyone to come closer to me. I was keeping a distance. And also I wanted to punish all man kind. Just to seduce and leave. Just to trick them and run away.

But then… I met a boy who taught me that I was wrong. It was the first time in my life when someone was honestly taking care of me. Loving me unconditionally and passionately. I did also back the same… but just for some time.

I believe in this world exist people who are supposed to be alone. Because they are afraid of getting attached to someone to much, they fear to be hurt. “Leave before being left”. My situation is opposite. I am afraid of breaking other people hearts. I am one of these type of people who are addicted to excitement of the life, they need passion, they need games, some dramas. They want to have emotions which make person so alive, that it can even kill him. To feel like you are walking on the edge.

People are telling me that passion never stays forever. Love without passion is the reality and  finally every couple has to face it. But with time love becomes deeper, stronger, full of respect and attachment. It’s wonderful. But I am not sure if it’s for me. I need fire in my life. I know, I have a lot of it in me and I am sharing it, but… I just can be with somebody and loyal if person can spark me. If it’s impossible, I am choosing to be alone. Even after tasting the love, it’s such a temptation to have again someone who can take care of me and make me to feel being loved. But it’s not fair. Because… I am happy only on the run.

Yes, I am young. I am naive. I will learn more. But today, I am not feeling like I can be fixed. I am too much broken. So, I am choosing to be alone.

p.s….but I heard that love is not a choice… will see.

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My 2014 in review…

10524734_10203352609635063_5604326074011555205_n<>The selfie of the year. On bombed parliament’s roof in Sokhumi, Abkhazia.

Even my horoscope was telling me that 2014 will be different. It was. It was not easy, very messy, but definitely interesting year. Here some of highlights of the year.

<>The country of year- Georgia, because I discovered it again and it’s in my three top countries list now. And also, because it has Abkhazia.

<>The internship-  I did internship in Youth-Agenda association in Turkey. It was great experience, because it let me step back(and it’s very good step back) to my old life road of being active in NGOs and various projects.

<>The most surprising role – I was working as an English teacher for beginners and I loved it! I had wonderful students that I am missing a lot now. I was enjoying every lesson and it was great feeling to share my knowledge.  Continue reading

My wanderlust in 2014

Somehow I was feeling like I was not travelling enough last year. But reality is different. Most of the time I was exploring something great.

On January I was already in Turkey. I was continue to explore my favorite city- Istanbul. Getting lost, discovering new places  and tasting new tastes. 1507635_10202174393620399_15685403_n On February I hit the road. From Istanbul I traveled to Tbilisi, Georgia. I used many different means of transport- plane, trains, buses and of course- cars I stopped by hitchhiking. This trip that i called “Along the Karadenis coast to Kavkaz”  was really wonderful. I met great people,  I had many adventures and most important I overcame my fear to travel and  hitchhike in Turkey alone. I visited great cities, like Kastamonu, Samsun, Trabzon, Ayder, Borçka, Batumi… 1653802_10202426553204231_82232451_n 1969177_10202432437551336_1791500865_n Continue reading

And when I’m at war with myself … I just ride.

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“I was in the winter of my life…” L.D.R

Last year I experienced the state of confusion where I was not sure what I am doing. These thoughts made me so anxious. I was trying to understand why do I feel like a total mess. Feeling confused and ensure. I was lost in my own personal thoughts.

This feeling of confusion was created in my mind because of conflicting ideas. I was not sure about my next step. There existed so many doubts about my actions. Self-confidence, that my life is in my hands, was lost somewhere. I even didn’t notice how did it happen. I started to feel, like my actions lost sense and meaning, and I am just acting some different roles that I have chosen unconsciously. Continue reading

Thumb up in Cyprus

IMG_9614After I’d left Ercan airport, I started to feel confused of trying to understand which road leads to Nicosia (Lefkoşa). I was not even sure how to cross a road. It took few minutes for me to realize that in this island exist left-right traffic  and I was on the wrong road. How did I miss it while reading wikipedia, I do not know!  After I found the way I was searching for, car stopped immediately  without even stopping it. Old man in the car was asking me where I am heading to. He was from Ankara, but at that time he was visiting Cyprus, because in past, he lived and worked many years here in Turkish military base.

Sometimes I feel really stupid that my Turkish language knowledge is improving in baby-steps, but when I am travelling, people are really appreciating that I know at least some Turkish. It helps me to communicate with them and also… it makes me feel safer while I am travelling.  I can explain myself better and show my nice personality to people.

Continue reading

Cyprus: an island divided by the past

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Cyprus island has really confusing history and still its status is very complicated. It’s even visible: architecture in every town is so different, because this island was ruled by so many different empires.  And of course, today nation of Cyprus is not one type.

Island’s lands are divided between Greek Cypriots, Turkish Cypriots and… British. Britain has two military bases which are officially its sovereign lands. Today, no one really has problems with British guys, but if we start to talk about Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots, here we come to big troubles. They kinda… highly dislike each other. Especially, after 1974 when Turkish army entered the island and “took care” of  Northern part to ensure Turkish Cypriot independence from Greeks. Many people had to leave homes in both sides and move to ensure safety. And still, Northern part is official part of whole Cyprus, but it calls itself independent Turkish republic of Northern Cyprus. This “Cyprus issue” is one of the reasons which stops Turkey from becoming a part of EU. Also it creates problems for Greek part to get more advantages of EU membership (still not Shengen).

Both nations really dislike each other. From Turkish side, they more hate Greek government, than population. Greek Cypriots also hates Turkish government (they directly talks about Ankara), but also have many prejudices about Turks and Cypriot Turks in personal. I found them very Islamaphobic. They believe, that religion differences make Turks very aggressive and undeveloped.

Greeks blame Turks for not taking care of their churches in Northern part. It’s partly true, because most of the churches are or abandoned, or transformed to mosques. It’s really easy to do: just add a minaret on church and here you already have- Muslim praying house. Meanwhile in Greek side, mosques are not destroyed, but renovated, even there are almost no Muslims.

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People can freely travel to both sides, but different rules, different laws are making it too much complicated. Differences are obvious. Northern Cyprus is not as developed as Greek side. Good infrastructure and international companies can be found just in South part. Also, in North part it’s cheaper to shop (they are using Turkish lira), but in South part  it becomes more expensive (euros).

In North part main economy is …tourism. Not just simple tourism, but mostly- casino tourism. Maybe you know that in Turkey gambling is illegal, so people are travelling to Cyprus to have some fun. Its like a Las Vegas for them (as Batumi in Georgia, next to the border of Turkey).

I thought, maybe my time in Cyprus will let me to conclude about “Cyprus issue” and who’s fault it is. Finally, I guess, that …both sides are fault about current situation…and they will never be together. I don’t know how it was before separation, but now exist big cultural and development differences. So, it would be better to let Northern Cyprus to become an independent state, and 50 years old conflict would be over.

P.S. About Abkhazia I was thinking similar- Just let them to be, they can not join back Georgia. Too many shits are already done. I guess, that’s my usual opinion about this kind of issues “Just let them to be as they want”.  https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/10292468_10204226384478888_7987230281239361096_n.jpg?oh=e6038c26a2c7f10ad163bf4bf5ad2565&oe=55142572https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/10277354_10204207422284845_4602202569204980158_n.jpg?oh=812271a544f0fd70e83b38503af79314&oe=551D3BB1&__gda__=1427315210_fbbf6ab1fdde706680d1eb76e71bce3e