2015 roller coaster

In the beginning of 2015  I was hoping to find balance in myself . Unfortunately, this year was the most imbalanced and shittiest of my life. However,  I see at which point 2015 finished, I’m starting to believe that it was worth to over come all the challenges and everything what happened had some kind of meaning. I didn’t find completely all the answers (but definitely, I found many  this year!), but it’s a process which takes time.

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I felt blue, so I became blue.

My year starts and ends on January 4th. It was a day I left Turkey last time and went back to Lithuania. With huge, but unweighted and emotional decisions. Leaving important people behind me and going back to Georgia. Outcomes of  this decision:

<> I’ve got war in my mind, which lead to emotional breakout. Dyeing my hair blue-green-grey-red… Couldn’t finish thesis.

<>I met amazing people which helped me a lot. Very special people.

<> And finally I closed some  chapters of my life.

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I walked through many places trying to find calmness inside myself

 

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Trying to understand who I am

I was searching myself on the road. Discovering strangest corners of Georgia and Armenia, went to Nagorno-Karabakh, visited Azerbaijan… I was getting lost and pushing myself to get lost more. And when I finally felt that war in my head is almost over and I went back to Lithuania.

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Road was the biggest medicine for my war in my mind

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…and special people who told me to stop hurting myself.

Lithuania… I wrote my thesis in 10 days without sleeping and after it I stopped and looked around. I looked back to the past, present and when I looked at myself and  asked- “WTF is wrong with me?”. I decided to go deep into myself. For such a long time I was trying to find answers in other people, but now I decided to find it inside myself. I was slowly getting answers which were not comfortable to know. I understood how unpredictable is my future. I had no clue, where I will be and what I will do even in a month. I was lacking support from the closest people. My past which I tried to leave behind, my love, my emotional decisions… all these things pushed me to deepest night. War in my mind started again. Different war, but powerful. Dark, deep night. I was so down, what I felt like  I can’t breath. I couldn’t feel. Even I noticed how I am getting used to emotional pain and expecting another one. I was not able to carry all these things, because I didn’t have time to recover after Georgian war in my mind.

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Deepest night

And here my truly warriors came. I was kicked in the ass by my Sansha Pansha, my best friend. We went to Poland. We ran from everything.

Got drunk. Cry. Laugh. And when hangovers kicked me. Me and my friend decided that our dream job is to create Travel Agency in Georgia (honestly, maybe we were still little bit drunk). It’s a country we love. It’s a country we can’t stop talking about and traveling is our biggest passion. Working in Travel agency seemed like the perfect job for us. Doesn’t matter what we have never been even tourists and we always travelling independently. We believed, that we can do it!

That day (hangover day) I was creating a plan how to achieve it. For those hours I was so concentrated that I didn’t feel covered by the deepest night.  Even after I felt totally sober, I was still believing that we can transfer that plan to reality. We bought tickets to Georgia.

That weekend in Poland helped me to get a hope that I still can create a great life for myself, but… I didn’t manage to stop making emotional decisions. I had this creepy feeling of guiltiness. For everything. Blaming myself and when torturing myself for all the sins I have made. I was ignoring pain and instead I was smiling. I felt weak, I wanted to fix everything and I fixed nothing.

On August 12 me and my Sansha Pansha went to Georgia. Back to my wonderland. I had to say no for accepting bank loan, studying master in Lithuania or finding bring job.  I counted all my savings and with one way ticket I went to Georgia.

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Really lost in my life

Fast forward, in two months I again almost made emotional decision to run away from creating my own life, had many adventures, met wonderful people who were very strict about me feeling guilty and… I found a job!

Last 4 months I am working as a project manager in travel agency. As well I am a guide and it means I have to travel with people, show beauty of this country and make them happy. I love it!

During the last autumn I was fighting with my past and I was trying to learn how to forgive and forget. I am much more better know. I feel strong and ready for anything what will come on my way to happy life!

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Not afraid of storms!

Year of 2015 taught me many lessons. I learned that even  life is full of happiness, but as well it can destroy you in many ways and sometimes you can stand up by yourself again. You have to let other to help you and not suffer alone in pain.

Letting go is not easy.  Finishing relationships is painful. It’s like torture. It’s hard to fully recover and forget/forgive for yourself about the past. But we all have to learn how to forgive and forget. Living in present with past’s ghost is devastating.

And also… doesn’t matter how bad it is…It can be worse. But as well, finally dark period will be over if you will let yourself to be happy and stop hurting yourself.

 

 

This year I will be happier. Whatever what will come on my way, I can manage it!

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For my non biological sister. Kva Kva.

Sometimes each of us can get lost in their lives. So badly, that it’s impossible to find a way out. It feels so scary when you are too afraid to dream, to do something, because the only thing you can do, just to  expect a new punch from the life. I would never wish someone to experience it. But I wish that everyone would have a person in their lives who could help.

My Dear, My Sancho Pancha, My Editulka, Edita, My Sidney, My Rusalka…

My… so much.

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My bed mate.

You know. Kva kva.

I am so grateful for the Power who sent you into my life. It’s hard to imagine life without you anymore. You’re not a friend. Not a best friend. It’s hard to find words to express your role in my life. You always supported me. Even doing stupid things. Wrong things. I always feel you with me (almost literally), because I know, you would be first person to offer your shoulder for me to cry. And first one who would kick my ass to stop  being sad and start being happy.

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My kva kva.

Thank you.
We are crazy, stupid, too much loving partying, crazy dreamers and constantly breaking promises to start acting more responsible. Thank you for being my partying buddy and getting crazy.

Thank you for travelling with me. I had greatest moments and memories still warm me up during cold autumn evenings. All our inside jokes, that even we are forgetting. At least Watermelon will never be just fruit for us 😀

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My travel buddy.

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My non biological sister.

There are few things I am not thankful at all.

<> Why did you die my hair blue?

<> For all “last shots”

<> For creating Barbie personality and buying for me crazy pink things.

<> For leaving me in Georgia without you. You can change this one, by coming back :)

 

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My “being kidnapped” mate

This year for our friendship was a huge challenge. I was sooo afraid to loose you. It helped me to understood how much you are important for me and how I am afraid to loose you. Thank you, that in the end of the day, you are here. Myliu. Kva kva.

I hope I can become for you as good friend as you are for me. I feel like I own you so much. You are wonderful. Tu esi nuostabi. I wish to learn more from you about being  good friend, about caring more about others. Linkiu tau viso ko geriausio ir aš tikiu, kad taip ir bus. Nes esi geras žmogus, kuris vertas pačio geriausio. Kva Kva. Aš žinau, kad mūsų laukia dar daug nuostabių nuotykių kartu.

Myliu. Laukiu sugrįžtančios.

Juk kartu mes galime kovoti prieš Vėjo Malūnus :)

Su gimimo diena…

 

 

 

Why I am still (again) in Georgia?

Yes, I am still here. Something in Georgian air makes me to come back and come back to this crazy land.  I believe everything/everyone has some kind of vibes. My and this land’s vibes are fitting extremely well.

My love for Georgia is not blind. There are  things I really hate and there times when I wanted to leave this country so badly. But in the end of day, I can tell- this country is special and I feel great here. I feel, how I fit here.

How did it happen that I am still (again) in Georgia? Because this year I felt very lost. I lost sense who I am, where I am going and what do I really want. It was terrible experience. This year may get award as “The shittiest year of my life”. However, in summer, when I felt that I am going to hit the bottom, my Sancho Panza (my best ever friend ever) kicked my ass and helped me to dream again.

I knew for sure- it’s time to settle down. I was too tired of moving around. Too tired of new people. Too tired of being student. I knew, I need a job. A normal job. But Lithuanian perspectives scared the shit out of me. I dreamed about job where I can combine my passion for travelling and get paid for it.This summer I stayed three months in Lithuania. I understood that constant travelling and living abroad made me to feel like a stranger in my homeland. I couldn’t manage to fit back to society. Even I was travelling a lot in my small country, I felt how I was loosing ability to dream and be optimistic. So, the greatest plan was created! To go back to Georgia, because that’s my favorite country, and find a job in tourism sector, hoping it will help me to have interesting, satisfying time.

I had never worked in tourism. I had never been tourist. I am hitchhiker, couchsurfer, sometimes I sleep in parks! However, I often had to listen, that I am inspiring so many people to travel and I am helping them to experience wonderful moments, that I started to believe that I could get a job, just because of my passion and travelling experience.

and you know what? I got it.

DSC02128It was already a day, after two months slowly loosing hope to stay in Georgia, when I had to buy tickets to Lithuania. I had to go to  one more job interview. Surprise, surprise-  they hired me instantly. It was hard to believe! I felt again – I am loved by the World.

Now I am living in Tbilisi and helping people to experience Georgia in the best way. I am showing this BEAUTIFUL country and helping them to get unforgettable moments.  It’s amazing feeling to see happy and exited people when they see amazing, spectacular views, hear interesting stories and get’s surprised by Georgian traditions.

Eh, things started to get better. Rest of the year are going to be really good!

 

Searching…

In this life we‘re always searching for something.  It can be an answer to a question, which bothers us everyday. It can be happiness, harmony or comfort, if we feel a lack of it in our reality. It can be somebody or searching for ways how to be with nobody.

I know,  I love exploring a lot. So many things. Wondering from place to place, from ups to downs, downs to ups, swinging between drama and comedy.  Searching for new stories. Creating or listening them.  And also, unconsciously,  I am still searching for something to love in every person.

I was confused about how emotional and easy to attach to people I became in last two years. How fast I can be open with strangers. How deeply  I value even short friendships. I guess, I understood why. Two years ago, first time in my life, I felt in love. This feeling broke so many fears and made me to be open for people. To love them, to be able to show emotions, to hug and kiss them.

This feeling fulfilled me and put me to another chapter of my life. Although, it took time to understand that love can be in so many shapes. One form doesn‘t exist. It can be a passion or a friendship, loving yourself or experiencing  sisterhood and brotherhood.  Also, these kind of moments, when you loose your breath, after seeing something amazing, or after great concert… Even one night stand or kissing a stranger, has it‘s own shade of love.

Of course, love has it‘s own dark side. It can finish. It can be not answered. And because love is such a strong feeling, unhappy consequences can be devastating.  But suffer passes. Just it takes time and feeling supported by other people can help a lot.  To heal scarfs can take a lot of time. To lose someone who was your soul-mate or not to be able to stay with someone  who helped you so much… Not to love enough or  to understand too late that you in love with someone…

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Outcomes of these stories are very hurting. But they pass. They do. But at that moment you feel like you will suffer like this for all your life. And it‘s freaking scary.  But also, it‘s a perfect moment to stop and think. To try to understand about yourself. Not knowing how to create relationship with yourself, makes it so hard and complicated to create connection with others.

It takes so much strength  to stand up and carry on. To appreciate „what happened, it happened“ as a lesson. And to start to wonder again. For love, for friendship, for loving yourself more…  And you have to. Because, those who are not searching, will not be able to find. Love in different shapes can help you to move on. And anyway, what can be greater in this life than love?

92 Caucasian days

This morning  I felt like I am seeing a ghost from the past. I was sitting in Kutaisi airport, waiting for boarding and I looked through the window. I saw two girls, coming from plane and running towards me. And when…  it disappeared.

92 days ago, I came (again) to Georgia with my friend.  92 days after it, I am sitting alone in airport and remembering how much I was afraid to come back to Georgia. I didn’t have a clue, what can happen. But I came back. Because, pizdiec, ja dura. Also it was time to answer many questions about myself.

Half of the time in Georgia I was suffering from doubts, disappointments and experiencing one of the biggest crisis in my life. I was feeling so lonely.

But.

People I met  became my biggest support from the first day they entered to my life. They didn’t know me and even I was acting as psychopath,  they still were patient to listen me and to give me a strength to carry on.

I spent with these people just two months, but… I will always appreciate, how much they helped  me just with their existence next to me.

Finally I feel, that it was worth to come back to Georgia. I answered questions I had. I became stronger and more independent. I started finally to hear what I really want. And last but not the least, I met wonderful people and I feel terrible leaving them and knowing that I will not be a part of their Georgian story anymore.

But, Justina is always leaving.

Whatever. Anyway.11168037_10200452794720417_4526428763839144017_n

I am happy and I have a lot of courage for next chapter in my life.  And it’s just because of YOU!

Madloba! Děkuji! Dziękuję ! Aitäh! Ačiū!

Love stories. Happily never after.

Loves stories are not boring. Usually they seem like very similar and lame… But I think it’s not true.  Every story has something special in it. Just be ready to listen them. And sad true is, that most of them don’t have “happily ever after”.

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I heard a story about a girl who managed to have feelings for two persons. She was confused and afraid. She knew it’s not good, but passion made her to follow emotions. She was so naive to try to have both of persons, that finally she screwed everything.

I heard a story about a boy who was crazy in love with another person. His heart was broken, he was writing “unread letters” and love sayings around a city. While listening him reading his “letters”, I felt how deep and unconditional love he had.

I heard a story about a girl who was seeking for love too much… It was making her life meaningful,  it was EVERYTHING for her, she needed to be in love, she was not able to be alone. Every person who was with her, sooner or later  was starting to feel this huge pressure on themselves. So, they always were leaving her… and it was devastating for this person every time, till she was finding new love…for some time.

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I heard a story about a boy who was with his love for many years. They grew up together, they experienced hundred of wonderful moments, they became so close. However, he didn’t notice when and how his love became not just a habit, but also a thing that makes his life so difficult. He wanted to leave, but he was not able. So, he had to continue, until he met another person, who encouraged him to stop unhealthy relationship… but it was not easy and even dangerous.

I heard a story about a boy who was so stupid to recognize his feelings. He needed to leave this person, with whom he spent so much time together. He needed to disappear from that person’s life… Still, he couldn’t escape from thoughts he was having everyday in his head since he left. He needed to come back to understand, why he can’t get that person out of his minds. He  found an answer- he was in love… just was not able to admit it.

I heard a story of a girl who was in love and was feeling loved. The problem is- she never wanted to be in relationship. She never planned it. She was “lonely wolf”, but somehow relationship happened. She met wonderful person. They developed their love to very deep feelings, but she was always having problem to appreciate it. How you can appreciate something you never asked for? She always had doubts, that maybe, alone she can be happier and make better life for herself. She was questioning so much “If love is enough for relationship”, that finally she had to run away. No one understood it. She and her love looked like the best couple in the world, but there were always deeper things…She left to understand if she wants relationship and why she feels so insecure about having it.

I heard a story about a girl who was left. She did so much for that person, she had to overcome so many inside barriers to choose to be a second person, a lover. She always knew, she will be left, but still was following all rules and doing everything she can for a person she wanted to be with. She did it, because of love. Despite the fact, that person loved someone else. She was left. Forgotten. Heart broken.

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People very often define their lives by their disappointments. Emotions, heartbreaks, scarfs and “shits they overcame”. All these things we feel terribly deep. Every person lose a little bit of themselves in each “not happily ever after” love story and tell themselves “Never again”.

The pain you feel …you feel with every centimeter of your skin. In every breath you make. In every thought you have. So you’re starting to hide emotions and drowning in apathy. Until time starts to heal it… And somehow you’re again believing in bright future. But… every person have to accept, that he/she will probably get hurt a few more times.

Feelings are OK. To experience something wonderful you have to suffer. To have ups, you have to experience downs.

We feel, so we are alive.

“Pain is inevitable, but so is happiness.” 

Tabula rasa

I wish to believe in new beginning, new white, clean page for starting everything again. New exchange semester, new people, new home. But… the thing is, I don’t believe in it. Maybe when we born we were Tabula Rasa, but since that day so many things changed. All people we met, all things we experienced left a mark in us. They all wrote down a word, a sentence or even a paragraph in our book of the life. All experiences and perceptions we get in our lives, make us who we are. And we can’t escape from it. All these things let us to grow up, but also sometimes leave so many scarfs and fears for similar experiences.

We never will be able to see this world in same eyes as we were kids. Purple glasses and naive look was lost many years ago. Now the only thing we can do, is to learn how to accept all experiences we got and to look to positive side of it. To  discover lessons behind every experience we got. Life is beautiful. Just sometimes it’s to hard to understand it.

It happened that I am living with very different people. Each of them has different story. To manage to live with them it’s crucial to be very tolerant and patient. It’s easier if it’s possible to be aware of different backgrounds each of them has. We all are caring on our shoulders our stories. Not everyone is ready to share it, but … it helps to be understood.

Sometimes it looks, that differences are huge. Even drives me crazy. However, it’s always possible to find some similarities which help to appreciate another person. Differences make us unique and special. And also it can be source of new knowledge for each other. Just it’s important to be willing to learn from another person.

I think it’s important to get an opportunity to hear someone tell you her/his life story first hand. You can learn a lot, understand the person better and build a strong relationship at the same time. I believe, that every person has an important story to tell. While listening to people’s stories, I can get a fuller picture of what people’s lives are like–their feelings, their nuances, and the richness of their lives. It helps me to learn about the world from its many people.

Different people, different stories. We can’t start creating ourselves just for this environment. We are, as we are. And doesn’t matter, how much I would wish to be able to hide my story, it’s impossible.

New beginning doesn’t exist anymore. We are not Tabula Rasa. We are full of marks left by other people and maybe even now we will leave one of them in each others life’s book. As a memory, a feeling or a lesson.

choices

I never thought I will fall in love. I couldn’t  even imagine that one day I will finally believe in the existence of love and that it’s not just some fake hallucination I heard about  from books and movies. After sometime, I thought it’s impossible to stop loving. And that  love can come in life in different forms and shapes. Later and most important I had no clue how bad and painful is to suffer from love.

I never had example of romantic love in my family. Remember, that kind of love, the pure one we all dream of.  When you love someone strongly and unconditionally? Not in my family. It was more about conditions, accidents, attachments, pressure …  and you just supposed to keep going and being with someone.kiskis

In my life father’s role was always empty. I never had father who could be great example of man. I learnt that God created man to make woman to suffer. Never trust. Never love. Don’t get emotional. Be strong. Be alone.

I believed that so strong, that I was not able to let anyone to come closer to me. I was keeping a distance. And also I wanted to punish all man kind. Just to seduce and leave. Just to trick them and run away.

But then… I met a boy who taught me that I was wrong. It was the first time in my life when someone was honestly taking care of me. Loving me unconditionally and passionately. I did also back the same… but just for some time.

I believe in this world exist people who are supposed to be alone. Because they are afraid of getting attached to someone to much, they fear to be hurt. “Leave before being left”. My situation is opposite. I am afraid of breaking other people hearts. I am one of these type of people who are addicted to excitement of the life, they need passion, they need games, some dramas. They want to have emotions which make person so alive, that it can even kill him. To feel like you are walking on the edge.

People are telling me that passion never stays forever. Love without passion is the reality and  finally every couple has to face it. But with time love becomes deeper, stronger, full of respect and attachment. It’s wonderful. But I am not sure if it’s for me. I need fire in my life. I know, I have a lot of it in me and I am sharing it, but… I just can be with somebody and loyal if person can spark me. If it’s impossible, I am choosing to be alone. Even after tasting the love, it’s such a temptation to have again someone who can take care of me and make me to feel being loved. But it’s not fair. Because… I am happy only on the run.

Yes, I am young. I am naive. I will learn more. But today, I am not feeling like I can be fixed. I am too much broken. So, I am choosing to be alone.

p.s….but I heard that love is not a choice… will see.

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My 2014 in review…

10524734_10203352609635063_5604326074011555205_n<>The selfie of the year. On bombed parliament’s roof in Sokhumi, Abkhazia.

Even my horoscope was telling me that 2014 will be different. It was. It was not easy, very messy, but definitely interesting year. Here some of highlights of the year.

<>The country of year- Georgia, because I discovered it again and it’s in my three top countries list now. And also, because it has Abkhazia.

<>The internship-  I did internship in Youth-Agenda association in Turkey. It was great experience, because it let me step back(and it’s very good step back) to my old life road of being active in NGOs and various projects.

<>The most surprising role – I was working as an English teacher for beginners and I loved it! I had wonderful students that I am missing a lot now. I was enjoying every lesson and it was great feeling to share my knowledge.  Continue reading