In the beginning of 2015 I was hoping to find balance in myself . Unfortunately, this year was the most imbalanced and shittiest of my life. However, I see at which point 2015 finished, I’m starting to believe that it was worth to over come all the challenges and everything what happened had some kind of meaning. I didn’t find completely all the answers (but definitely, I found many this year!), but it’s a process which takes time.
My year starts and ends on January 4th. It was a day I left Turkey last time and went back to Lithuania. With huge, but unweighted and emotional decisions. Leaving important people behind me and going back to Georgia. Outcomes of this decision:
<> I’ve got war in my mind, which lead to emotional breakout. Dyeing my hair blue-green-grey-red… Couldn’t finish thesis.
<>I met amazing people which helped me a lot. Very special people.
<> And finally I closed some chapters of my life.
I was searching myself on the road. Discovering strangest corners of Georgia and Armenia, went to Nagorno-Karabakh, visited Azerbaijan… I was getting lost and pushing myself to get lost more. And when I finally felt that war in my head is almost over and I went back to Lithuania.
Lithuania… I wrote my thesis in 10 days without sleeping and after it I stopped and looked around. I looked back to the past, present and when I looked at myself and asked- “WTF is wrong with me?”. I decided to go deep into myself. For such a long time I was trying to find answers in other people, but now I decided to find it inside myself. I was slowly getting answers which were not comfortable to know. I understood how unpredictable is my future. I had no clue, where I will be and what I will do even in a month. I was lacking support from the closest people. My past which I tried to leave behind, my love, my emotional decisions… all these things pushed me to deepest night. War in my mind started again. Different war, but powerful. Dark, deep night. I was so down, what I felt like I can’t breath. I couldn’t feel. Even I noticed how I am getting used to emotional pain and expecting another one. I was not able to carry all these things, because I didn’t have time to recover after Georgian war in my mind.
And here my truly warriors came. I was kicked in the ass by my Sansha Pansha, my best friend. We went to Poland. We ran from everything.
Got drunk. Cry. Laugh. And when hangovers kicked me. Me and my friend decided that our dream job is to create Travel Agency in Georgia (honestly, maybe we were still little bit drunk). It’s a country we love. It’s a country we can’t stop talking about and traveling is our biggest passion. Working in Travel agency seemed like the perfect job for us. Doesn’t matter what we have never been even tourists and we always travelling independently. We believed, that we can do it!
That day (hangover day) I was creating a plan how to achieve it. For those hours I was so concentrated that I didn’t feel covered by the deepest night. Even after I felt totally sober, I was still believing that we can transfer that plan to reality. We bought tickets to Georgia.
That weekend in Poland helped me to get a hope that I still can create a great life for myself, but… I didn’t manage to stop making emotional decisions. I had this creepy feeling of guiltiness. For everything. Blaming myself and when torturing myself for all the sins I have made. I was ignoring pain and instead I was smiling. I felt weak, I wanted to fix everything and I fixed nothing.
On August 12 me and my Sansha Pansha went to Georgia. Back to my wonderland. I had to say no for accepting bank loan, studying master in Lithuania or finding bring job. I counted all my savings and with one way ticket I went to Georgia.
Fast forward, in two months I again almost made emotional decision to run away from creating my own life, had many adventures, met wonderful people who were very strict about me feeling guilty and… I found a job!
Last 4 months I am working as a project manager in travel agency. As well I am a guide and it means I have to travel with people, show beauty of this country and make them happy. I love it!
During the last autumn I was fighting with my past and I was trying to learn how to forgive and forget. I am much more better know. I feel strong and ready for anything what will come on my way to happy life!
Year of 2015 taught me many lessons. I learned that even life is full of happiness, but as well it can destroy you in many ways and sometimes you can stand up by yourself again. You have to let other to help you and not suffer alone in pain.
Letting go is not easy. Finishing relationships is painful. It’s like torture. It’s hard to fully recover and forget/forgive for yourself about the past. But we all have to learn how to forgive and forget. Living in present with past’s ghost is devastating.
And also… doesn’t matter how bad it is…It can be worse. But as well, finally dark period will be over if you will let yourself to be happy and stop hurting yourself.
This year I will be happier. Whatever what will come on my way, I can manage it!
